TeamFortress2's New Addition

Chapter Thirty-Nine

"Is this a recurring thing now Medic?" You asked him with a tired smile.

"If you vant it to be," he answered, smiling as well.

"Why do I see you? I've never had a soul experience like this before. Why now?"

"Vell, vhen people get stressed, zheir dreams can be a stress reliever. Technically, jou could call zhis a hallucination or simply you are just talking to jourself. Does zhat answer your question?" He sat facing towards you, one leg hanging off of the bed and the other crossed. You were sitting up with your lower back on the pillow. Your mental exhaustion from the day became like a heavy fog over the room.

"It actually does. How did you know the answer?"

"Zhe answer is zhe best way your mind can explain it. At least, for zhe moment." You nodded, staring at the floor. Your eyes traced every wooden plank and every line you could see. "Vhat's on your mind today?"

"The usual really." In your peripheral vision, you saw Medic's eye widen as he seemed taken aback.

"Care to inform me vhat zhat is?"

"I mean, I feel as if I'm in a constant loop of 'I don't have friends my own age anymore,' 'Could I trust these practical strangers while I have my issues with it,' 'I want to grow up and be proactive in my relationships, but it's really hard and it could be too big of an obstacle,' and of course 'What the hell did I sign myself up for?' I don't have answers to the questions that need to be solved and it's just a big mess."

"Vell, um, vhy do you feel as if you can't trust zhem?"

"I barely know them ... I'm afraid of messing up when I talk to them. I've already looked like a crybaby multiple times. 'Cause you know that's great for a soldier. I care about what they think of me probably a lot more than I should. I know they care, but can I really be a team player like this? I just want to flip a switch in my brain and just act more friendly, but every time I try, it's like a habit for me to just shrink back into my shell."

"It's a lot to get used to. Besides, haven't jou considered zhat maybe zhey think highly of you? Zhey like you enough zhat zhey aren't treating you poorly after you supposedly showed zhem your bad side, ja?"

"Yeah, that's true. Except for maybe Medic." You smirked up at him.

"I'm not sure whether to be offended by zhat or not." You both laughed together, but it quickly dwindled and died out.

"Look, I don't understand why I can't trust them despite them being so, well, accepting." Do they understand how I feel? Would they?

"Vould you trust zhem more if zhey vanted nozhing to do vith you?"

"Well, no I suppose I wouldn't."

"Zhen try to trust zhem! Zhey obviously care a lot about jou. Just try spending more time vith zhem."

"Right, right. I will." You looked him in the eyes and gave a half-smile, nodding.

"Good. I know it's only been a day, but has anyzhing changed vith your Medic?"

"Not really, he's the same old jerk." You laughed, and he nodded with a small frown. You took note of that. "Like you said, it's only been a day."

"No, you're right."

"On another topic, do you think my friends will ever talk to me again? ...Okay, step back. Wow, that sounded really depressing." As if I haven't been thinking it.

"I'm not certain, but if zhey really are your friends, zhey will contact jou."

"You're right. Honestly, while I was looking through our old conversations, they seemed really... immature. I feel like I've grown up a lot in these past few days."

"I vouldn't disagree vith jou."

A long pause entered your conversation. You both just seemed to look each other up and down and glanced around the room. This is so weird, but it isn't terrible. He's like a different person, but we share a lot of the same things. He's a different perspective that I always had but never used. You sighed. Then, you were snapped back out of your thoughts by the one thing you've wanted to talk about. It was your biggest problem: yourself.

"Honestly, Medic, I can't help but feel as if this whole fighting thing wasn't a good idea. If I'm glossing over the stress of handling battles and life at the same time, I'm not sure if I can be ready for this. I feel so lost, dazed, confused. I know we've talked through it, but Medic I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I'll be able to bring myself to trust these people..." Your voice caught in your throat as you tried to continue.

"When I look back at my experiences so far, all I see is failure after failure. I see mistakes ridden all over the place, and I can't help feeling like I'm just going to mess everything up again. I decided to leave my family and friends behind, which resulted in no more contact with my friends and my Dad refusing to speak to me. That was my livelihood for most of my life!" You frowned, but Medic didn't move to stop you from continuing.

"I've treated my teammates like shit so far. I even killed Medic once and then refused to apologize! Then, even when he tried to talk to me, when everyone tried to be there for me, I ran from them. Heavy had to catch and hold me still just to see the problems I was creating! I've run from all my problems, and I've continued to push everyone I can talk to away. I feel disgraceful and ashamed! I feel like shit! I have become so exhausted that I practically passed out! What is wrong with me Medic? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just learn and be a better person!" Your face was burning, and you were crying at this point.

Everything that you deemed to be terrible plummeted at you. You were on the cusp of sobbing uncontrollably. The mere thought of not being able to control yourself made you more frustrated. You never control yourself! That's your problem! What have you done?

You felt a hand being placed on your shoulder in a stern, yet gentle way. It was Medic snapping you out of your tantrum.

"(Y/n), listen to me. I know zhis happened, and I know you've done a lot of zhings. Vhat's important is zhat zhey've forgiven jou, I've forgiven jou, and I'm sure your Dad vill come around. I need for you to forgive yourself. I vant to see jou happy. Zhey vant to see jou happy and ready for battle. You need jou to allow yourself to be happy. Forgive yourself so jou can move forward. Move forward and be more trusting and make every encounter jou have a better one zhan zhe last."

A long silence followed. You sighed, not wanting to directly agree or argue with him.

"Medic, can I be honest with you about something?" You started.

"Of course."

"I-I think that hug we shared was one of the single most comforting experiences I've ha-had in my life. It feels really awkward to admit that, but it's true." You fiddled with your bed sheets. "I guess that would say a lot about my relationships, huh?"

"I might, but it also might not." He nodded and cleared his throat. "I apologize for not asking you zhe first time, however... vould jou like another one?"

"I-I really would. I think I've cried more in these last few days than I ever have y'know?"

"I know."

You both stood up and wrapped your arms around each other. You closed the gap between each other. He placed his arms over your shoulders and had one hand rub small circles on your back while the other held the back of your head. You had your arms wrapped around him and had pressed your face into his shirt. You were softly crying and he soothed you.

"Shhh shhh. It'll be alright, I promise. I'm here for you. Stop zhose tears. I von't leave you."

You were slowly calming down, feeling cared for and protected. It was something more than anyone had ever given you. You wanted to enjoy this while it lasted.

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You woke up with tears running down your cheeks.