Not your Romeo

Chapter 88

So as promised this chapter is from Derek's POV. I know everyone is curious to know what must be going on inside Derek's mind. How does he feel? Is he happy or sad? This is the last chapter in the book and I think this is a great way to end it by including Derek's POV. 

I am not going to go into detail about each and every event that happened, but this POV is only when Jessie was leaving Derek after the dreadful prom night. Look what was Derek thinking!

Derek's POV:

"Stop! Wait!", my heart screams from inside. It's not just pain but guilt, the guilt of fucking up everything that I ever had. She is going far away from me, thinking of me as a devil. I shouldn't have let her go. I should have stopped her! She is going.... going... and then she's.... gone. Gone away from my life forever. The hate I hold for myself destroyed the love I had for her. How will I tell her that she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen? At first, I did hate her. No, I didn't hate her. I was pissed because she wouldn't give me the attention I always wanted from her. The day she came into my life, I was reborn. Reborn to be a better person, to live life as it should be, to make each day memorable and to love her unconditionally. But I fucked up each and every time. My past wounds are so deep that it threw her away from me. I knew it. I knew it from the very beginning that I will never ever get her love back. I am not the one she's looking for. I cant be her perfect boyfriend. I am not her Romeo, who she loves so dearly. I ruined her existence, I ruined my peace. Everything is gone away with her. 

I don't want to love her. I want to hate her to fucking death. Seeing her face, should make me angry. But none of this worked. I hate to see her crying. It makes me so weak and I feel like my heart is shattered within me. She was broken deeply and I broke her.

I couldn't do anything. It has always been like that. Whenever a girl opens up her feelings and tells me that she fucking loves me, I go on to make her feel so guilty and regretful for even loving me so much. How stupid she was to love somebody like me. I don't deserve love because I am existing on hate. Love ruined my life and I hate love. I will not let it make its way deeper into me. I should start hating Jessie. There is nothing left between us that can be fixed.

I never expected to fall in love with this beautiful girl. She came like a wind and took over my body and mind. How will I tell her that I haven't fucked anyone after her? Being around her makes me a good human. When the person who hates love falls in love, he becomes weak. He is constantly fighting within himself, not letting this love reach his heart. I was fighting each and every time, I didn't want to love her. But today breaking her heart, felt like killing myself. I always fought with her because I knew I was falling deep for her. Her smile can just light up my soul and I am happier around her. How will I tell her that the last time when we were having sex, I wasn't fucking her at all, instead I was carried away by her 'touch' and was making love to her. It feels like I've no more past demons when Jessie is around me. Now that I've lost her forever, I probably cant live much.

'Love' was my only enemy from the beginning. Now it has made its way inside my heart and will never ever leave. How did I let this happen? I had never thought Jessie to be just one among the the girls. She was mine. Every time. I didn't even think of breaking her heart like the others. But I realized that I would never get her. That's why I stopped and became nervous each and every time as I began to say the three magical words. Its strange to think. The girl you love more than your life is your entire world and you broke your entire world by breaking her heart so mercilessly. I don't know if Jessie could ever come back to normal. I want to run behind her and fall on my knees in front of her and beg for her pardon. But I cant. I've lost that right over her and she will never ever want to see my face again. I pushed my soul into the darkness once again. I don't deserve to live happily by ruining the lives of so many other girls. She fell so miserably for me and I could've been happy with her if I had decided to fight back against my past demons. Jessie loved me. Loved. I destroyed her belief in love. She will never ever trust anyone again and I hate for doing this to her. She was my only relief, my only pain and my only cure. She is gone. I let her fucking go and I couldn't do anything but letting my soul break hers completely and deeper forever.