ꜱʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴏᴜᴛ _ ᴇɴʜʏᴘᴇɴ 8ᴛʜ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ

= surviving =

*Requested*

Everyone have trauma, that's for sure. And everyone have different ways to cope with them. Some chose to go to therapy for it but some decided to just put it aside, trying hard to not think about it. Lily is the latter. She hates talking about her trauma because she feels like they're not worth it. There are people out there who are suffering much worse stuff so she often invalidates her own feelings.

It was harmful and it shows. It made her lack self confidence, not knowing if what she did was the right thing or not. And the members are trying hard to help her realize that she needs to stop invalidating herself.

——

One of Lily's trauma is abandonment issue. At the age of 7, Lily's parents got a divorce. It was a very big shock to the young girl. She doesn't know much about how marriage works at the time but the amount of time her parents fought in front of her and threatening to leave her if she ever do anything that they don't approve of is enough to make her understand that her parents aren't happy with each other.

Since she was younger, she often tiptoe around her parents, not wanting to upset them in any way. She did everything she could to be the perfect daughter so that her parents would love her but at the end of the day, they split apart. Her mother then remarried when she turned 9 and her father remarried too when she finally turned 10.

Ever since they both have a family of their own, Lily is often forgotten. The only person who are truly there for her is her older sister.

Those issues that she had faced when she was younger made her who she is today. A person with bad attachment and abandonment issues. During I-Land, she doesn't really show it as she tries not to get too attached to anyone, knowing things aren't sure yet at the moment but after debuting, it got worse.

One day, she was going to the amusement park with Sunoo and Sunghoon. They had fun the whole day but at some point, they got separated and Lily was left alone in the middle of the place, not knowing to go. At first, she tried not to panic and took her phone out to call any of them but her phone suddenly ran out of battery. It doesn't help that she has the worst social anxiety that made it hard for her to ask for help from others.

She tugged on her sling bag tightly as she begin her mission, searching for the two. Her heart begins to beating rapidly even though she tried regulating her breathing so that she won't freak out. "God, where are they? Did they leave already?"

Many thoughts crossed through her mind and all of them are negative ones. She just couldn't stop thinking that they finally got tired of her and decided to just abandon her. Lily spent around an hour looking for them but the place is huge and she got tired so she left the park, not knowing where to go as she cry.

She felt so hurtful that they decided to abandon her just like that without even saying anything. Now, she doesn't even know where to go. She surely doesn't want to go back to the dorm as she feel like she isn't welcomed there. Lily walked wherever her feet took her and she ended at a convenience store to buy some drink to quench her thirst.

After buying it, she sat on the side of the road, hugging her knees and sobbing.

"Lily!" She looked up to see Sunoo panting. His shirt is drenched with sweat as he approached Lily with a worried expression on. "Thank god you're fine. Why did you leave? We're so worried, do you know that?" He almost raised his voice at Lily from how concerned he is but his eyes soften upon seeing the tears stain on her cheeks. She pouted, "I thought you guys abandoned me."

Sunoo sighed, "why would we do that?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders, "people abandoned me all the time. I just thought you guys are the same." The older guy sighed heavily and sat next to her. She had told the members before about this trauma of hers but they never thought about it much since it never bothered their relationship but it was actually so much worse than they thought. Sunoo pulled Lily into a hug as he rest his chin on top of Lily's head.

He delicately patted Lily's back, comforting her, knowing that she might need the assurance. "We won't abandon you, sunshine. You mean the world to us, how could we ever think of doing that?" Sunoo got choked up on tears. He just can't believe that thought crossed her mind. How much was she hurting before this to even think of that possibility?

"We will never abandon you, sunshine. Never."

——

Another trauma of Lily consists of swimming. She actually almost drowned when she was 10 when she went to the beach with her father and sister. Since then, she grew fear of water. She can't swim and she's afraid when she's in a deep pool where her feet don't feel the ground.

At first, the members took it lightly and made fun of it. Lily thought that it was silly too. But for their new album, Dark Blood, one of the concept photos consists of an underwater theme. Lily was supposed to create a photo while she's underwater and the tank that the staffs had prepared is at least 7 feet deep.

She doesn't know if she could do it without panicking but she doesn't want to be a wimp about it. So, she put on her facade, pretending to be okay when the director told her to get into the tank.

Her hands tremors horribly as she held the railing. Niki glanced worriedly at her, knowing she don't do well with these kind of stuffs. "Will nuna be fine?" He asks Sunghoon who's standing next to him with his eyes on Lily. "I don't know but I really hoped that she won't force herself to do it if she can't."

Lily looked at the director, then back at the water beneath her. She gulped harshly and convinced herself that it'll be okay. For safety measures, there are professional divers at the bottom of the tank who are ready for any possibilities. "Are you okay up there, Lily?!" The director asked, making her flinch.

"Yeah! I just need some time!"

"Alright! We're ready whenever you are!"

She sat down at the edge of the tank, ready to dive into the water. Lily closed her eyes, praying so that everything will be okay and she dived into the water, head first with her eyes still closed. The other members held their breaths as she dived into the water. It was smooth sailing at first but the second she opened her eyes and accidentally opened her mouth, water began rushing into her system, shocking her.

As a result, Lily began flailing around in the water. Jungwon who's watching began panicking too. "Director nim! She's drowning!"

The professional driver swam towards her and grabbed her waist so that he can swim to the surface. Once her head is finally above the surface, Lily started gasping for air. That was truly scary for her and she can't help but to gasp for air.

ps: I just realized that she cried a lot in this book but bear with me because this character has a very sensitive personality. Okay, continue.

Her fingers gripped onto the diver's shoulders tightly, as if letting go means she's going to drown again. The diver pushed Lily off and with some help from the staffs, she got down from the tank, shaking. The director sighed, "let's not have you do that again. Go get change. Jake, you're up!"

Jungwon rushed to her sides and immediately wrapped his arms around her frail body. "It's okay. It's okay. Nothing happened. You're okay."

"I'm so sorry. I should've been better at handling that. I'm so sorry, Jungwon. I promise I'll do better next time. I'm so—" Jungwon shushed her up with a shake of his head. He sighed softly, "you're not the one at fault, Lily. You were so brave with what you did and I'm so proud of you. But these things are your traumas. They don't just go away overnight and you can't control them, Lily."

Her body shook as she sobbed into Jungwon's chest. "It's okay. You're amazing. You did great, Lily."

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