It's All About You ⌘ Joe Sugg ✓

Chapter 72

My mind is empty of all thought as I hang up on my mother, cutting off the sounds of strangled sobbing and endless apologies that mean nothing to me. My lip is quivering ever so slightly as I lower the phone from my ear.

"Babe... Babe what's wrong?" Joe says, however his words sound distorted and far away, his grasp on my forearm is tight but I can barely feel it.

I open my mouth in an attempt to reply to him, however my voice box appears to have shut down. Nothing escapes my mouth except shallow breaths that are quickening in pace. Everything in the room is becoming blurred, my vision is starting to cloud and I am afraid if I don't sit down I might just pass out. Maybe Joe can sense this impending threat of collapse, as he leads me over to the couch before asking me what's wrong once again.

I shut my eyes to block away the gleaming of the wooden floorboards and the moving images on the tv screen that are all blurring together. I breathe in deeply, feeling the air expand my lungs and focusing only on that. It calms me slightly, enough so that I can respond to Joe.

"Nathan's dying. He's dying of leukaemia." I say in a monotonous voice, while keeping my eyes shut to the world. I feel Joe's grasp on my arm tighten, and he pulls me into his chest on his own accord. I don't make any move to hug him back, I simply let my body go limp as he wraps his arms around me. I feel him rock back and forward slightly as he presses my weak body further into his chest. His heart is thrumming, and I feel the constant beat of it through the fabric of his shirt and I focus only on that. The constant beat of his heart like a drum that never stops becomes the only thing of importance for me, and time seems to lose it's significance as we sit there together, him holding me tight while I keep my eyes screwed shut. I feel as if I am dangling on the edge of a cliff, and Joe is my safety harness.

I have never been one to hold back my emotions - I cry over many things, even sappy love stories that really aren't worth crying over. But this time the tears didn't come. My mouth just became dry, my eyes remained closed and a dull ache settled in the pit of my stomach. I knew the ache was just biding it's time, waiting for the perfect chance to spring up on me.

Because Nathan was dying. The person who once told me that he planned to live till he was 100 because he wanted to get a letter from the Queen like his great grandfather. The person who had so much life in his eyes, they always sparkled with the prospect of adventure. The person who rode quad bikes with no helmet because he thought he was invincible. He told me that we could live forever if we really tried hard enough. The person who gave me my first experience of loving another, even if it was a different kind of love than what I feel towards Joe. He taught me things, and he was there for me through it all. Now his days were numbered, and soon there would be no Nathan Broad, because the universe decided that his time was up.

It's funny how life works - on the one hand it's a beautiful thing and it should be greeted everyday with a smile. But when things like this happen I can't help but think how shitty life really is, beneath all the beauty and laughter and love, there is the tragedy that strike us all at one point or another.

Nathan promised me that we would always be friends. That's the tricky thing about promises, they are hardly ever kept.

~~

Phone calls were made. Hugs were exchanged. Plans were discussed. Tickets were booked. Through all of that and even now, I am refusing to cry - but the longer I hold it back, the more that ache in me strengthens to an almost unbearable pain. Still I swallow it down and focus on simple things. In the days of preparation for our trip back home, I cook and clean obsessively, more so than I have ever done before. Joe doesn't say much to me but he constantly touches me, keeping me near him at all times whether I ask him too or not. His quiet, comforting presence means more to me than he will ever know.