Greed and Despond (Ban x Sin!Reader)

89

I sat in the mouth of the cave, staring out at the midnight sky. There were no clouds up above, only glittering stars as far as the eye could see, highlighting the beautiful moon, which unapologetically stood out in the sky. It was truly amazing- I hadn't looked out and really appreciated the sky in a while.

I continued to stare up at it for a while, enjoying the silence that surrounded me, uninterrupted aside from the quiet breathing of my comrades, who were all sleeping within the bar. Jericho has passed out on the floor, her jacket draped over her body. Escanor had a small room in the back where he slept. He made sure to offer it to all of us before going to sleep there himself. Ban and Elaine were cuddling behind the bar, near the warmth of a small heater. My gaze flicked behind me for a split second.

I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning against the side of the cave entrance. I whispered quietly to myself, "What am I doing...?"

Today had all happened to fast, it feels like it's been a lifetime. So jam-packed with action, I think this is the first time all day I haven't been running on pure adrenaline. It feels like this has been my first chance to relax all day, and it's nice... I guess.

Being alone with my thoughts has never been a good thing for me, as I'm sure most people understand. Especially in such silence, even though it's really nice. It's just never good, you know?

I'm glad Jericho's here, in all honesty. She's the only one keeping me sane. It's good that Ecsanor is too, but I can't really talk to him. It's just nice to have another girl around who gets it.

All day I've had this ache in my stomach, and it's made it's way across my whole body at this point. The way Ban looks at me... it makes me want to throw up. I can't stand him giving me those icy glares and not even talking to me. He used to at least tolerate being around me, even when he was upset, but now it's like he can't even stand the thought of me.

I thought maybe being nice to Elaine would help, but obviously it hasn't. I don't... hate her, per se. She's really sweet, and having her around us nice, it's just... well seeing her and Ban practically glued to together hurts. Him whispering sweet things in her ear and always hugging her, making her feel special. It hurts. It hurts really bad. So I don't like her all that much, but I'm nice to her. She didn't do anything wrong.

I've been devoted to him for so long. I don't understand why I'm not enough for him...

I'm not small, or built like a little boy, I don't have blonde hair or pretty eyes, I'm not as sweet as her or as pretty but... I love him. I love him so much. It hurts how much I love him. I think about him all the time and I can't get him out of my head. I am so hopelessly in love with a man who only kind of likes me back when he has no other options. I know how bad he is for me and my self esteem, but I can't help it. I can't choose how I feel about him.

I want to hate him. I wanted to let myself kill him when I had the power to. But I just couldn't. I couldn't watch him die, I just couldn't do it.

I don't know why. I don't have any reason other than I love him. It's a stupid reason, and it makes no sense.

My bottom lip quivered as I stared at the floor, huddling into a ball and pulling my cloak tighter around me.

"Stupid..." I mumbled to myself, breathing out shakily.

That's all I am, really.

Stupid.

It really does explain everything about me, when you really think about it.

The way I got my sin was me being stupid, letting my emotions control me. I ended up going on a rampage because I couldn't control myself. I was stupid for not staying on the side of the demons in the Holy War, and because of it my whole race got slaughtered. I'm stupid because I can't control myself when my powers are at full strength. I'm stupid because I'm in love with a man who probably doesn't give two shits about me.