Greed and Despond (Ban x Sin!Reader)

97

The food was lackluster at best, as Ellie had made Ban sit down and wait for her food. He didn't touch it, probably knowing how bad it would taste just by looking at it. We stayed and talked, them filling me in on what had been happening these past few weeks. It wasn't good, not at all. I felt terrible that I hadn't been there to help. However, she assured me that I deserved some rest, as they were all fighting the hard battle you had already experienced. 

She had told Ban and I to return to the room we had been in before. Ellie had a sort of sixth sense when it came to everyone's feelings, and she could sense the tension between us. It was pungent in the air, thick in the lungs. She had told us to go get some rest, probably so Hawk wouldn't bother us.

We went off to the room, sitting down with a groan. I slid back against the pillows on the backboard, crossing my legs by pulling them in with my hands. Ban sat on the chair next to my bed, where he had originally been. Apparently, he hadn't left this room in the three weeks I had been here. That made me angry beyond belief.

"Ban, are you serious?" I sighed, starting it off. He looked at me, his expression distressed. 

"(Y/N), I made a mistake with Elaine. I knew it the moment I saw her," He said, looking down at the floor. "I love you."

"That's not okay!" I laughed humorlessly, "Ban you gave up on me the day we fought Hendrickson and decided I wasn't your choice. If you really loved me, there wouldn't be another option, I would be the only one."

"I-"

"Not only that, but you can't do that to Elaine!" I continued, growling, "I wanted so bad to hate her when I met her, but she is such an amazing girl. She is sweet and compassionate and she deserves a flawless partner. You were so good to her. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to her?"

"I need you to understand, I..." He paused, trying to collect my thoughts.

"Ban, I know you're bad at this. At talking. But I need to know what's going on, because neither I nor Elaine deserve this. Not from you, especially. You have been so committed to her. Why now are you deciding that I'm the one?"

"(Y/N), I've been using Elaine as an excuse..." he sighed, head in his hands. "I've known I really liked you- no, fuck it, been so fuckin' in love with you-  for a while. I wanted to deny it because it felt like I was betraying her, so much so that I convinced myself. But when I saw her, when I held her... all I wanted was for it to be you instead," He looked at me, regret filling his eyes. "I know that's terrible. I know it isn't fair to her, but I can't help it. In the woods, when you broke down like that? I was on the brink. I wanted to tell you I loved you so bad."

"Ban..." I hesitated. This is exactly what I had been hoping to hear for so long. But it didn't feel right. This didn't feel right. "Ban, you know I really like you. I like you so much. But this? I can't do this. I can't do that do Elaine and I can't do that to myself.

"You are so bad for me, Ban. I am so happy whenever we get along, because it feels like you're really into me. And then you leave me in the dust. I cannot count how many times you have lead me on. I am so attached to you and this fantasy that we can be together," I looked at him, almost pleading him to do it again. "I've cried over you so many times. I've been miserable over you so many times. I haven't pursued people I have an interest in and have an interest in me because of you. You don't understand how hurt I am every time you even look at me with anything but kindness."

"But I do!" He said, and I drew back, looking at him, confused. "I'm scared of how in love I am with you, (y/n). I don't know why I do what I do, and It feels like I'm being stabbed a thousand times over whenever I hurt you. I've cried myself to sleep because of how horrible I am. I hate hurting you. I dream about being happy with you. I just..." He put his head in his hands again and sighed shakily, his voice breaking as he spoke. "I don't know what I'm doing... I've never felt like this before."