47

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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

A week later...

3:47 am

I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to. I was scared. I wanted Minho with me. I wanted someone with me. I couldn't take being alone anymore.

Tears fell from my eyes, blurring out the half-moon. I whimper softly, feeling a hole in my heart. I missed him. A lot. I wanted my brother back. I wanted my old life back.

I slip on my shoes, grabbing my bag. Keeping my steps quiet, I walk out the front door. I swam along the road, hugging my arms to my chest. My tears were cold.

"Why me?"

This question stuck in my head a lot. Why my family? Why did I get the fucked up family? Why couldn't we be happy?

I wiped away the water with my sweatshirt sleeve, feeling it get dampened. Looking up from the cement, I see a few cars passing by.

Why did I take my backpack? It's not like I'm running away. Or am I? I just need to get away. Where am I going?

Quiet sobs escape my throat, my lungs tightening. I covered my mouth with my hand, not wanting to disturb anyone who had their window open.

The wind blew softly, easily slipping through the fabric of my shirt. It chilled me. It helped me breathe, even if I didn't need it.

I needed it tonight.

I was fine. Why was I crying if I was fine? Why do I lie to myself? Why do I lie to my friends? Why do I do all these things that help me hide away? Why do I say I want help when I don't let people help me?

Why do I feel the need to hide everything? Because I think that it'll not stress my friends out? They've said that they worry about me a lot. Should I be honest with them? Should I get a therapist? I want to talk to someone.

I feel so alone. I don't know why. Something is wrong, and I don't even know what. Maybe the fact that everyone leaves me? That maybe I need to talk to my brother? If I talk to him, everything will be okay, right?

I turn around, walking back toward my house. I was cold. My head hurt. My throat was dry. I just needed to breathe. Maybe I wanted a nightmare, so I could give an actual excuse for why I was upset.

Tomorrow would be an off day. I knew that. I could tell. Minho would ask what was wrong. He'd ask why I was so tired. Nightmares. Blame it on them. I'll have one either way. If I sleep or not. I'd just rather not sleep. Lately, I haven't been sleeping, just the way I like it. I fall asleep for a few minutes in class. That's enough for the day.

Sleeping sucks. Being awake sucks. I want a way out. It sucks being out here. It sucks. I want Minho. I want him to take everything away. I want to be happy again.

Was I ever really happy? Did I ever have a genuine life of happiness? I had bursts of happiness, of course. Everyone has that. But was I ever happy for a longer period of time?

Why do I contradict myself all the time?

I'm positive. It's just sometimes I get in my head. My head, my brain, my thoughts. Those are the problems. I think too much. Why can't I be mindless like those idiot guys at school? The ones that are called class clowns. The ones who still pass. The favorites.

I walk up my sidewalk, opening the door. It was silent. Different from when I was outside. The temperature didn't change. I was still cold.

I slumped up the stairs, tired, but unwilling to go to bed. Why can't I just let myself sleep? Is it really that I'm afraid? Why can't my eyelids get heavy? Why can't I take a breath of fresh air?

Stop thinking. You need a hug. This feeling will pass. It will. Ignore it. Smile, like you always do, Jisung. Smile. Be happy. Listen to the music. Just listen for once.

_____

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