Get A Room!

~:*:~ Seventy-Nine ~:*:~

Nate

Chace and Ian clearly had some shit to work out, but I wasn't too worried given how quickly Chace ran after Ian when he left the bar. It might not get solved today, tomorrow, or anytime soon, but I had a feeling things would work out for them in the end. If they truly hated each other then they wouldn't be fighting this hard! Despite the harsh words and extreme measures, they both wanted to fix their friendship more than anything. They were just being stubborn, and I think they were both a little confused about the real reason for the fight.

I admit that I wasn't the one to figure it out. Jedson, sharp-edged as ever, made a comment that clued me in to the truth of the matter, "Why don't they just fuck and get it over with?!" It was a crude way of saying that Chace and Ian liked each other as more than friends, but that didn't discredit Jedson's observation. He was right about Paxton liking me, so why shouldn't he be right about these two block heads? And the fact that Leona didn't deny it made the truth all the more apparent. Now the three of us just had to wait until Chace and Ian figured out their own feelings, and then they'll summon up the courage to admit it to each other. Until then, I suppose their fight would continue.

But who was I to judge their relationship when I'm not even brave enough to make my own public? I was still sorting through my feelings for Paxton, and as a result I'm basically pulling us both into the closet. Did I not like Paxton enough to be open about us? Was my image more important than him? I had no problem telling the world about Emma and I, and I was eager to make my love for my mystery girl known when I believed that it was a GIRL. Suddenly I have strange feelings for a boy and I lose all of my confidence? Gender shouldn't matter. I know I have nothing against gay couples, so why am I so afraid to be one half of a gay couple?! I should be walking tall with Paxton on my arm, kissing him whenever and wherever we are. Paxton deserves to be loved just as any girlfriend of mine would.

And yet I'm still pulling away, unsure if this is all worth it. I could make our relationship public only to be dumped a week later, so what's the point?! Why not just end this curiosity with Paxton and go back to finding a nice girl to date? Why should I put myself through all this confusion about my sexual identity when I'm not even convinced that I like boys?!

Paxton is the only guy I've ever seen in a sexual way, but that only started after I found out about our drunken night. Did I just agree to date him because I felt responsible? I admit that the sex is brilliant, but that doesn't mean I'll enjoy it with other guys. I was drunk enough to assume I lost my virginity to a girl, so clearly his gender wasn't the thing that drew me in. So again, I wonder if I even like boys or if Paxton is just the exception? And if that's the case, wouldn't I just end things before we got too serious so I could find a nice woman to marry and have kids with? That was always the plan when I got older, so why not skip this experimental phase I might be in and just leave Paxton now?

Being my only reference for sex, I can't confidently say that he's the best I'll ever have. Hell, maybe even Emma could have done better than him! I loved her, after all. Isn't it supposed to be better when you're in love? Perhaps I'm just over-stating how mind-blowing sex is with Paxton because he's my first?

I spent a good portion of the night contemplating my relationship with Paxton as Leona and Jedson chatted away about classes and clubs that they intended to join. I participated in the conversation with vague and short responses so they wouldn't suspect that I was feeling just as shitty as Ian and Chace were, particularly because I wasn't ready to outright admit that Paxton and I were well-beyond roommate status! Telling them that we were secret lovers would surely land me an earful of advice from Jedson and a scolding from Leona, which I wasn't in the mood for. This was my mess to work out; I didn't want others influencing my choice to either go public with Paxton or break things off before I really hurt him.