Less talking | Maneskin |

Letters

I ignored the door, thinking someone just mistaken the apartment, but it rang a few times continuously and the sound made me go crazy. I groaned and got up to see who was disturbing my peace and of course, who else if not my best friend.
— Are you crazy? What are you doing here? - I asked when I opened the door.
— I missed you too, - she chuckled hugging me.
We went inside and I started making coffee. 
— I came here because I know you too well, - she sat her little backpack on the chair, - I'm here to take you to my place.
— Saf... I told you I'll think about it, - I sighed.
— Yeah, but you know damn well this answer means "I'm just saying this so you shut up, but my answer is no already", - she impersonated me.
— Well, there is some truth to that, - I chuckled.
— Thank god you have a double bed, our flight is tomorrow morning, so I'll have to crash here, - she looked around.
— Look, I appreciate how much you care about me, but... I don't see a point in staying in Italy anymore, - I bit my lip, because it was hard to say it out loud.
— What? Why? Are you going to give up on your dream just because of some stupid man? - she was offended by my words.
— No, you don't understand... He's not just a man, they are everywhere, Saf. Worldwide. I will have a hard time avoiding to see them anywhere, so imagine how hard it will be here! I-I just can't handle it now, it's too soon, - I felt a lump in my throat.
— You said it yourself, Sky, - she looked at me dead serious, - It will be hard to escape them anywhere, so why run away? Why give up on your dream? You are strong, I know it's hard right now, but it will pass and you will come out stronger than ever.
I smiled at her words of encouragement.
— It's just... I'm not sure if it's my dream to live here anymore. It's been nothing but struggle to make the ends meet. I don't even know what I want to do in my life, - I looked at my cup, thinking.
— Stay with me in Rome. Give yourself some time, you know you can always go back to your parents, - she took my hand, - But don't make harsh decisions yet, you might regret it later.
— I'm not a milionaire, - I chuckled, - I can't afford an unlimited vacation here.
— You know you don't have to worry about money when you're with me.
— And you know I won't live off of you, - I rolled my eyes.
— Okay, then you will pay for our food and I'll take care of everthing else, - she sighed.
— Fine, we can go for a week or two, - I knew there was no escaping her otherwise. We talked for a little more, but I felt tired, so we just got ourselves comfortable in the bed and watched movies. I really appreciated her not asking for any details of last night, I knew it must have been hard for her. Ethan tried calling me a few times, but I just ignored it. I wasn't sure if he was being genuine with me or not, but I couldn't handle the thought of another potential heartbreak. 

I really appreciated that Italy was significantly smaller than US. I wouldn't have agreed to go with Saf, but knowing the flight would be quite quick made me feel better. Taxi took us to a nice looking neighborhood. It looked very different from the one I used to live in. The streets were cleaner and brighter, there was a lot of well manicured greenery everywhere. It was so nice to be back in the city I fell in love with. But of course, inevitably, my happiness was clouded by the sudden burst of memories of my last days here. We stopped in front of a nice gated building.
— Did they, like, double your pay? - I looked at Saf in disbelief, knowing apartments in this complex sure as hell cost a fortune. 
— I wish, - she chuckled, taking one of my bags. She scanned a little card and the gate opened, letting us pass. 

The building was very clean and simple inside. We got up a few flights of stairs and stopped in fron of a white door.
— Well this isn't exactly the circumstances I pictured myself showing you my new home in, but herewe go, - Saf smiled, twisting the key in the lock. I was pleasantly surprised when I got inside. It was very light and modern, but simple at the same time. Way better than the one I rented, of course. 

Saf showed me around a little bit. There was a decently sized kitchen, attatched to a living area. There, among the bookshelves was a little sliding door, that opened an archway into one of the bedrooms. The bedroom was quite small, but cozy. She always knew how to make spaces feel homey. Then we went to the other bedroom. It was also small, but still spacious enough to fit a closet and a single bed. I loved that it had a big window, that looked out to the street.
— Is this room good for you? - she asked me when we looked around.
— Perfect, - I smiled and went to take my bags. 

I wasn't staying for long, so I only unpacked the essential things and a few outfits. I highly doubted I would go anywhere other than a grocery shop anyway. I admit, coming to stay with Saf for a little was a good distraction from my reality. I really hope I won't regret this decision. I could see she was really excited to live together too, but tried to hide her emotions a little so I wouldn't get upset. I appreciate her effort, but at the same time I felt so tired of being seen as this fragile human, that everyone had to tip-toe around. Or maybe I actually am fragile just don't want to admit it? Judging by the way I coped with Damiano's betrayal, it's clear that I'm just lying to myself.

*TWO WEEKS LATER*

I've been on my own for a week now. Saf was sent on a work trip, ruining our plans of having girly sleepovers. I had no distraction with her gone and I definitely felt the effect. These past few days I spent a lot of time analyzing my feelings and grieving the life I had. I missed every single one of them so badly, but at the same time I blocked any media that posted their faces, so  I wouldn't  see them. I would love to block them out of my mind, but unfortuntely human brain doesn't work that way. I can't even count the amount of times I picked up my phone, ready to call one of them, but I stopped myself last minute, remembering that everything was just in my head. I wondered what were they doing now, did they already replace me. I knew they were having a busy month and despite everything, I couldn't help, but secretly wish them good luck in every show they performed on.

I tried so many different things to help myself let go and break out of this depressing cycle. Only one thing stuck to me. I found that writing sincere letters adressed to the person you're thinking about actually helps to lift that weight off your chest. These letters will never be sent, I even think I will burn all of them as a last step of healing. I felt down the whole day today, so I sat down by the window and pulled out my pen.

"Damiano,

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I miss you so much everyday. I hate that I have most of your songs memorized, so I keep hearing your voice inside my head. 14 days have passed since our break up. So little, yet so many. You know, it's a strange feeling not to know what you are doing today or yesterday, or tomorrow. You used to update me so frequently, that I felt like I was always with you. And now... Now I feel alone. So alone, that even being around people doesnt't help. It's the worst feeling and I would never wish this upon anyone. 

How are you feeling? That night you changed right before my eyes. It felt like somebody flicked the swich inside of you and you suddenly became a different person. I wonder if  us not being together hurts you even a little? Are you disappointed? Happy? Angry? I have so many questions for you... There's a constant battle in my head - one side believes that you actually are this sweet, sincere, caring, loving, protective, respectful person that I thought I knew, but the other one pulls up the receipts and I can't decide which one to believe. I was so hurt that I only saw black around me, but now that fog has cleared a little and I'm starting to wonder, maybe you actually just made a mistake? An awful mistake, but still... Or maybe I'm just missing you so much that I will make up anything to give myself a reason to call you? I wanted to, many times, but always stopped myself, remembering how we said goodbye. What would we talk about? Would you even pick up or is my number deleted from your phone like I am deleted from your heart and memory? 

Anyway, I'm writing this to you, because I think I finally realised what I need to do to move on. Believe me when I say even Rome has lost it's beauty to me, when I know you won't take me out to show me the streets you grew up in. Everytime I go somewhere, I ask myself if your extravagant shoes had touched this pavement before. I can't bear the constant reminder of you all, because as much as you would like to think you're the only one on my mind, you all have been like a second family to me. So, I thought about it a lot and despite Saf trying to convince me otherwise, I think I'm ready to let go of this dream. I don't dream to live here anymore. I can say it was fun while it lasted, but now it's time for me to move on to the next chapter.

That being said, 

Goodbye, Italy."