Less talking | Maneskin |

Pressure

It's crazy to think that almost six months ago I landed here in Rome full of expectations to reinvent myself. More crazy is the fact that this time it actually worked. Maybe even better than I expected. Saffron was kind enough to let me stay with her until I figure out my plan, but I didn't need to stay there too long. I don't know if it was some kind of star alignment or if my fate has finally decided to go easy on me, but I managed to land a pretty sweet job as a venue manager at the "Cashmere" club. Yes, the same one I met "Maneskin" at. 

Speaking of "Maneskin", things have been weird between us for quite a while now. It was mainly because me and Damiano had some weird dynamic going on and nobody knew what was the right way to act in front of us. It started when I rented out my current place. It's a cozy one bedroom apartment just a few hundred meters away from the club, so it's very convenient for me to travel to and from work everyday. Damiano visited me quite frequently despite my initial wish to focus on myself while being away from him and we spent a lot of time together. He showed me around the city, places he grew up playing in and I adore those moments... But the situation we had in the past, which I would like not to talk about again, inspired him a lot to finally dedicate time for his music. At that point we were basically living together. Don't understand me wrong, it's amazing that he feels the passion to write again, but... I never knew how hard it would be to share the space with him while he's submerged in that. 

At first I loved waking up to him shirtless, sitting in a chair with a cigarette between his lips, one hand on his guitar and the other one writting something frantically on a piece of paper. But the scattered papers slowly consumed half of my bedroom and the smell of cigarettes started giving me a headache first thing in the morning. I tried as hard as I could to be understanding and not to interrupt the process, but it became hard for me to get my rest and long hours of work made my nerves really fragile. I hated what we became. We started bickering almost every day and I don't know why we didn't decide to spend some time apart sooner. Maybe it wouldn't be the way it is now if we were a little smarter. Anyway, the bickering got to both of us and one evening we sat down to have a talk. 

I expressed what I was feeling for a long time and he did too. We weren't able to think of a compromise or a solution, but I knew that I wanted to be away from him. We decided to have a break and that he would leave in a few days. I saw how that kind of hurt his feelings. I didn't want to be the bad guy, but it just didn't work that way. After he left we didn't speak for about a week. Not even a word was exchanged. We weren't mad at each other, it just happened. Victoria tried to fix things between us, but I just felt sick of the constant struggle. 

Then Brandon came to Rome on a business trip and I of course volunteered as a tour guide for him. I took him to the best pizza places, showed him the most famous sights and we had a really good time together. The awkwardness of our last encounter was long gone and forgot, making it easier for both of us. Damiano wasn't against it, but I felt a little guilty, because he knew Brandon made a move on me back in US. On the other hand we mutually agreed on having a break, so I was a free woman to act however I wanted. 

I don't know if the break was the best idea, but I surely felt better during that time. Brandon made me relax and forget those tiring days I spent living with Damiano. I even started wondering if I should try something with him. I like to think that there are theoretical and practical needs. Theoretical needs are those that turn out to be not so urgent or not fitting your actual wants, once you start analysing yourself. Practical ones are the true ones, that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. During this time I wondered if Damiano was just a theoretical need in my life. I recalled our relationship from the very beginning and if you would but it in a graph, it would wave up and down constantly. I wanted to figure out why we struggled so much, but at the same time the voice in my head started telling me "that's not how it's supposed to be" more and more frequently. 

I voiced this to Damiano, because keeping him in the dark about it all wouldn't be fair. He gave me a blessing to see how things would work with Brandon if I really wanted to, but I hesitated for a long time, because it felt dehumanising keeping them both hoping for something, only to chose which one would suit me better. I talked about it with Ethan and he suggested that I have the same talk with Brandon too. I was meeting him for dinner the same evening, so I used the opportunity to tell him my hopes and fears. It caught him off guard, because he wasn't expecting I would even consider giving him a chance after the last time, but he was excited to see where we could take things. 

His flexible job gave him the opportunity to extend his stay in Italy and we continued going out. It felt weird at first, like something wasn't right, but with time that feeling started fading. You can't deny the bond that forms between you and the people you grew up with. It doesn't matter how much time we spent apart, we still had this connection, that tied us to each other for life. Damiano took me out a few times too. It was kind of awkward, but because we had some time apart, we were able to recover from that friction and I saw that incredibly hot fire in his eyes when he looked at me again. This whole thing dragged on for a good month and I felt even more confused, than I was before. I knew this couldn't go on forever and that I had to take a step one or the other direction as soon as possible, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. 

— I hate to do this, but I need answers, Sky, - Damiano put a glass of wine down on my dinning table.
— I don't know what to say, - I crossed my arms, avoiding his passionate stare.
— I said I would wait for you, but it's already been a month and you know that this sitution isn't the easiest for me to handle, - he fixed his eyes on me, looking serious, - It's not healthy for any of us and you know that. 
— It's too early to tell and I'm not sure if I would make the best decision now, - I explained myself.
— I don't know what you are expecting to see, honestly. I love you, I'm ready to work on any challenge that life could give us. I think my intentions with you are clear and I know that deep down you know what you want. Just tell me. I will take it, whatever it is.
— I know, Damiano, but... - I struggled to answer. I knew he was right, the answer was always there, in my heart. I was just not ready to disappoint any of them, I didn't want anyone's heart broken. This pressure I brought upon myself was unbearable and yet the only way to relieve it was doing the thing I feared so much.

My phone started ringing, breaking the silence. I looked at the screen and Brandon's name flashed on it. Damiano stopped my hand from picking up.
— We are in the middle of conversation now, - he pressed his lips together. His eyes were expectant, and I felt so frantic, knowing nothing will save me from making that decision now. I looked at him and at the phone, that seemed to ring louder than usual.
— What do you actually want, Sky? - he slid his fingers against my hand, letting go of it. He leaned back in the chair, crossing his arms on his chest. 
— Just... wait a sec, okay? - I asked loudly, as the noise combined with the imense tension made me boil. I grabbed the phone and answered the call. 
— I get the message, - Damiano sighed, standing up. I saw disappointment and hurt on his face and it made me even angrier that he jumped to conclusions when it was clearly not what I meant. 
— Wait! - I called after him, still talking to Brandon.
— I'm done waiting, you made your choice, - he said, shutting my front door. I wanted to run after him, but then Brandon's voice that I didn't fully pay attention to finally reached my ears.
—Sky? You there? 
— Yes, what do you want? - I asked angrier, than I should have.
— I said Saffron needs you, you have to come  to her place immediately!

**************************
Hey!

How are You? 
I'm just hopping in here to remind You that if You have any suggestions or opinions, You can share it with me in the comments or privately!

Also, if You like this story, I would really appreciate if You commented or voted on the chapters, because it helps it to become more visible and reach more people!

Sending lots of love and virtual hugs to those who need it <333

-Angelisation