Walk Through Fire

No Armour (Sneak Peek)

When you're staring at temptation, what do you do? Do you run straight toward it because you know it will numb you? Numb you to the pain of a shattering heart. Make you forget for a split second the reality you are living in. Do you run and hide away from temptation? Hide away from your pain until it is safe to come out. Or do you face the truth/reality head-on? We shy away from our pain. Shy away from accepting our grief. When there is no longer a place to hide, and you do not give in to the temptation to numb your pain, what do you do? How do you move into your new reality when you feel you have lost everything? Even the ones who were your everything.

The brown substance stares at me while I stare right back. My mouth waters with anticipation of taking one sip. Just a sip. A drink to help end this shattered heart of mine. Numb me for a split second of my never-ending pain. I want to feel nothing. Nothing at all. Here I am. Lost and afraid of what's next for me. Who am I? Who am I if I'm not anyone's baby girl anymore? How do I face another day not knowing what to do for those I love because I'm lost? I'm unsure I'm strong enough to get through this grief.

"You got this, Olivia. Do not compromise your sobriety."

Hot tears stream down my face while my trembling hands trace the bottle. I'm almost to the top of pulling the cap off. Once I pull that top off, I know I'm in trouble. The sweet smell of bourbon will dance with my nostrils, and my taste buds will quince for a taste. My hands shake as I slowly pull that top.

"You're much stronger than you think, baby girl."

The strings of my heart pull hearing his voice. He's here with me. I want to believe he's here with me right now.

"Dad?"

I stare up at the ceiling and just let the sobs flow. What do I do? Someone, please tell me, what do I do?

"Liv?"

When I look at him, I see the look of horror on his face. He takes a second to find the right words to say. Something he's good at always finding the correct words to say. But I don't think he has seen the perfect words to say to himself.

"Okay. We'll call Nurse Joy. We can talk about it...or not talk about it. Whatever you need." Spencer slowly proceeds to the desk in caution.

Spencer James is a subject I have studied for the past few years—a subject that I'm very knowledgeable about. He wants to be angry with me, or he is mad with me. Right now, he's probably questioning himself on letting me slip past his radar. Knowing Spencer James, he's trying to figure out how to be the hero. But he can't be the hero because he's just as broken and lost as me.

"I didn't take a drink." I muster up the courage. "The craving was there, but I-I-I didn't have a drink."

"Okay." He nods his head. "Do you want to go to a meeting? I'll go with you. Whatever you need and"

He's spinning, spinning, trying to help me while broken. A meeting would help, but that's not what I need now.

"The craves have been happening a lot. And I've ignored them. I am not giving in to temptation. But I'm not strong. I'm not built for this, Spencer. There are a lot of things I can handle, but this...mmm...I can't handle."

His hands grip my hand. One simple touch from him sends my entire body into a calming stay. At first, my nerves shook, and my anxiety skyrocketed, but one touch paralyzed me.

"Breathe." We take a deep breath together. "You are strong. You're courageous, and you are enough, Liv. Liv, you could have fed that craving, but you didn't. Your sobriety meant a lot to your pops, and it means a lot to you."

"You meant a lot to him too, Spencer." Hearing him sigh when I say he meant a lot to my dad, I know he's avoiding his grief. He's avoiding reality. "Dad loved you, and he understood, Spencer. You two had this inseparable bond. Nothing or no one would ever break you two."

"Right now, I'm worried about you. What do you need from me?"

No one has asked me what I need. Maybe if I was okay, but never what I needed.

"What I need you and no one else can give to me. I need and want my dad, but even you can't provide that, Spence."

"I know. I know." He stares down at the ground. I know the tears that are rolling down my face are breaking him. He's always vital to me, but I know he's lost and damaged.

There is evidence of him ready to break, but he doesn't let the brokenness come through. Spencer handles this in the Spencer Alonzo James fashion. He is masking behind the damage for now.

"Let's get you home. Spencer and Liv movie binge fest for ole time sake." Something about a person's eyes. They tell a story without the voice being spoken. His eyes said; he needed comfort just as much as I needed his comfort.

I nod my head gathering the picture of my dad, grasping onto Spencer's bulky arm. My eyes wander around the office.

"This is the closest I've felt to him all week."

"Me too."

I take one last look at my greatest weakness on the desk. My greatest weakness is one of the severe losses in my life story. That loss came with a lesson. But during that lesson, I discovered my greatest blessing. A blessing that's been with me since that fateful day in biology. Through the highs and lows. Now I'm at my lowest. He's right here.

Dad, please send me a sign that you can hear me. Please. Or better yet, anyone listening, please give me a goddamn sign, signal, or a freaking smoke signal. Give me anything! Speak to my shattered heart. What do I do?! I'm the one who's always showing up for everyone around me. Now I'm lost, and I don't know my direction back home, back to Olivia Baker. Who is Olivia Baker without her father, Billy Baker? She's physically present but mentally absent. When do I begin to heal when my suffering feels never-ending?

Maybe I need to slide on out of here. This is just a sneak peek of my version of Olivia's Pov on Billy's death. Requested by @Speliviabae. I'm taking my personal experience with grief to inspire me writing Liv's pov along with what we have gain so far about her grief on the show. I'm hoping that the next three grief episodes they do a monologue just like they did for Laura. Your grieving stops just becomes easier at a certain point. Last night really opened my eyes to the fact that my grief of my granny has recently became easier. It's been almost seven years since she passed but my grief has recently became easier where I don't go into shut down mode when it's the anniversary of her death or birthday.

I'm definitely embracing feeling all of my big emotions writing this one shot. The extended trailer that I seen on episode 13 let's me know AA is choosing violence. They really want us in shambles and to feel this. And they're making us wait TWO WEEKS!!! Not a week off then we're back. Nope TWO WEEKS. That's fine because that will be my final work week before Spring Break (you guys should know my occupation by now lol) so that leaves more time to write. If you didn't see the extended trailer, stop what you're and go look on YouTube. Those tears pouring from Olivia's face...yep I'm already in shambles.

I love having decisions with you guys. And I can't hold this anymore. Agree with me if you think so or disagree. Okay.....so I rather Alicia breakup with Spencer. I don't want him to break up with her lol. She's oblivious to everything so to me, in her mind she'll think he's only breaking up with her due to his grief talking when it's just not his grief but just how he truly feels. Her breaking up with him for me is like she's going to stop being oblivious to everything. Letting him know I knew you weren't ready for this from the beginning and you're definitely not ready for it now. You're pushing me away, you still love Olivia, and I will never be able to have that part of you like she does. If you get where I'm coming from please let me know lol. Spencer already have too much guilt on his plate. We don't need to add extra with him breaking up with her. Let her break up with him.

Let me know how you guys are feeling about this Olivia POV one shot. Notice I took the lyrics from the song at the end as my title inspiration. The song is my inspiration as well.