Choose Me- the second novel

Chapter 7 - wanting you and not having you

As the lecture wraps up, I pack up everything quickly and shrug on my coat intent on not talking to them. I'm packed before the end and just waiting for the lecturer to shut up.

Jay eyes me and smirks. Dick. I've either got to walk past him on my left or Ross on my right to get out. Why was the seat in between them empty?
"Psst talk to me after?" Jay whispers
I ignore him. I want to cry. I don't know why exactly. Ross isn't mine. He never really was. Why does it feel like betrayal?

The lecture ends. I pick up my bag looking at the floor, I will not make eye contact with him.
"Talk to me please" Ross says softly before moving out of my way.
He's not mine I have no right to shout at him. And I will not cry in here.
I look at him in his eyes briefly. He's searching mine.
I look away because I can feel my eyes watering.
"About what? Do whatever you want" I say and walk off.

I don't look behind me. At all. I march my way out all the way to dance. I go straight into the changing rooms and text Matty asking if I can meet him by the car after lunch. I'm going to the gym straight after dance then I'll go home.
He texts back straight away, that he'll bring me something from the canteen. I tell him I love him then change for dance.

Dance flies by we are practising in the open stage area. It's good doing something physical, it really stops me thinking about this new revelation. It almost stops me from seeing Jen's face in my minds eye smirking and telling me she's fucked every guy I've been close to countless times. I hate her. With a passion.

Near the end of practice Ross appears and sits on one of the seats at the back. I blank him out. Not my man and not my problem I tell myself.
I stretch off at the end on the barre before walking towards Ross and the door I want to run out of.

He eyes me cautiously. I try to just walk out but he takes my hand and slightly pulls me back in.
"What?" I say pissed off. Why come here if you're not even sure what to say?
"I'm sorry" he tells me.
"Ross you can get with whoever you like. It's not up to me." I take a step back from him. I will not allow him near me. I feel so angry that it's her, Rachel would have been fine. But Jen, he can do better. He should know better.
"No I'm sorry. I just know you have a history with her," he begins.
"A history? You mean she tried to humiliate me at every chance she could get, she ridiculed me in front of everyone. She's a waste of space" I tell him and he pulls his hand through his hair.

"It's not anything Tay. She just was there" he says and I'm done. I feel so angry and let down.
"How many times was she just there?" I ask him it's not my business really, somehow it's different if he got with her like once. I briefly think about how we've never even had sex.

"I dunno, I haven't been counting times, I guess about 9 or 10 times" he admits.
I must look completely abashed.
"Well when then was the first time?" I ask, if it was anywhere near the party then I might just slap him.
"It was around 5 days maybe a week after what happened " he says and looks away.
"What the actual fuck. You literally told me at the party that she was a bitch. You were there, Ross and you comforted me after she... " I say feeling sick. I pull my arms around my waist, I'm just wearing my leotard and tights and I feel exposed and insecure.

"I know I'm sorry. I'm trying to be honest." He says looking at me earnestly.
"So that's why you didn't really invite me anywhere after all that shit happened" I say realising.
"'No I wanted to give you some space. And for me and for Jen it's not anything apart from... I just needed to feel something, look I fucking love you and you're with my best friend despite everything. I see you with him, and I always wish it were me and you." he says.
"Please do not say you love me for the first time ever like this and do not use me to justify having casual sex with Jen. Jen of all people ?! Why her? She's horrible you told me yourself she's a bitch" I say and I'm crying. Why am I crying?