Choose Me- the second novel

Chapter 32- lets just spend some time

I drive into town the way Matty showed me. I've put the music on low. Because it's Sunday traffic is light and the only people out are church goers. I enter the car park and the barrier raises. I find a space on the first floor. I park up turn off the heater and lights. I text Matty to let him know I'm here and parked.

I get out locking the car and put the keys in my handbag. I walk towards Main street where I usually meet Rhea. The weather is cool and bright.

I walk over to the coffee shop and see him outside. He hasn't clocked me yet. He's smoking. He looks so tall and handsome and I can't believe I'm here to break his heart. He's wearing his leather jacket over a simple white t shirt and jeans. He looks like he belongs in a motorcycle magazine. His blonde hair is scrapped back. I loved his hair so much when I first met him. I remember running my hand's through it whilst sitting in his lap. All that time ago before I was Matty's.

I go over and join him, his smile when he first see's me makes me feel warm and happy. That's the thing about Ross he looks like a bad guy. He's hot and tall and completely intimidating looks wise. But he's actually a real softy. I smile back.
"Hey" I tell him and he pulls me into a hug. A Ross hug, all encompassing.
"Hey, I'm so glad you're here" he says looking down at me.
My head shouts at me; space, make some space between him and you. I ignore her for just a minute. I sigh this is going to be hard.
He holds onto me like he hasn't seen me in years. He breathes deeply as if he's relieved.
He releases me finally.

"After you" he says after ditching his cigarette in an ash tray.
I lead in and he follows behind me. I order my favourite drink and he gets a simple black coffee. He also gets some banana loaf and chocolate cake. I can't help but smile. The waitress is completely under his spell and he has no idea. She looks at him, his toned arms and blonde hair, gawking.
She tells him that she will bring it over and I smirk.

We sit at the back on a sofa. I will myself to not sit next to him and instead sit on a chair but I can't.
"How are you, Tay" he asks. His arm going around me resting on the sofa.
"I'm good I think, how are you" I feel silly and shy.
I've not been exclusively alone with him. Without our friends around. Ever.
"You think? I'm great because you're here" he chuckles. He's so directly charming.
"I mean I'm good" I laugh daring to look up at him. He's gazing down at me and I'm so close to him. I scoot over just a touch but face my body his way so I'm facing him. 

The waitress brings us our tray. She's about our age, generally quite pretty. She sets it down in front of him and I look away. If he should want to reciprocate her advances that's more than okay. In fact I almost implore him to do just that. I briefly wonder how he ever watches me around Matty and remains cool, calm and collected.

When she's gone he looks back over at me.
"What's up?" He asks reading my expression.
"The waitress likes you Ross, you should definitely get her number" I tell him smiling.
He's thrown off guard.
He looks at me confused.
"I didn't even notice" he says smiling.
"How could you not" I laugh.

He laughs along with me and sips his coffee.
"I'm not here to hit on any waitresses or other women babe" he says catching my eye.
And the way he looks at me makes me almost sure that I am a horrible person trying to keep him for myself. What are my intentions here? Do I want him? Can I be completely straight with him?

"Maybe you should" I mutter and instantly regret saying it when I stare at his face.

"Okay, elephant in the room. I'm just going to come right out with it. I'm not interested in other women at all. Not one bit." He says clasping his hands together I notice he's wearing a silver ring today that I haven't seen before.
"It's no secret how I feel about you Taylor" he says and just waits.

"I know that. I'm just saying she's cute" I say trying to brush over everything. I feel defensive now.
"You can agree with me Ross I won't mind" I laugh.

"I get it now" he says chuckling.
"Now you're telling me that your gay" he laughs. He brushes his hand through his hair.

I laugh out loud. I'm not, I'm trying to make him see other women and their reaction to him. And that actually there are a load of options for him.

"I'm trying to make you see, how sought after you are. How lots of women look at you like that. And I'm trying to draw your attention to the possibilities you have other than me" I say honestly. And I face him reading his reaction.

He smiles and then raises one hand slowly to my cheek. I dare myself to move but I am frozen this was a bad idea. My head screams abort mission.

He brushes my cheek, staring into my eyes. It's completely and utterly intimate and I need to break it off now. But he starts to speak.
"I see you Taylor. I see what you're doing. You are trying to stop me from telling you that I love you. The trouble is that you don't know how much I need you. You can come here with your plan to push me away, tell me you love him even. Tell me to look at other women. But what you're not telling me is that you don't love me. You don't feel anything for me at all? Then fine that's okay." he says and he removes his hand from my face. He smiles.

I'm dumbstruck. What can I say back to that? Of course he's exactly right. He's seen through my whole plan. To come here and push him away. Make my life easier and just shut him out. I stare down into my lap. Completely at a loss. I just love Matty so much. I love him with everything that I have unconditionally.

But I do have feelings for Ross. I've been telling myself that they are irrelevant. I thought if he could just ignore me and move on with anybody, other than Jen. Then it would all be okay. He would be happy and I would be happy for him. It would hurt but it would make sense. Somehow.

"What are you thinking?" He asks.
"I'm thinking about you. And what would be the right thing to do" I tell him.
"And that sometimes doing the right thing, hurts" I tell him sipping my drink. It soothes my head and my nerves.

"You don't have to do anything, Taylor. That's the whole point, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. Until or if you ever want more from me I'll be here either way." He tells me.
"And telling me to look at other women or whatever is not going to work. And you know why. I can't not look at you in the way that I do but that doesn't mean that i need to fill that up with another woman that cannot compare to you. And end up hurting her" he says honestly.

When I'm silent he carries on.
"Don't beat yourself up okay? I told you before that I would be here in any capacity, in any way that you might need me. I get you, and maybe I haven't proved that yet. Maybe I haven't showed you that. And I can, I can show you just how right I am for you if you like. But if you just want to be friends that's fine too" he says.
He grasps my hands.
"Or if you really wanna stop talking about this we can do that too" he laughs.
I can't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry that was a totally stupid thing for me to say. About the waitress I mean." I say looking at him.
He smiles.
"No problem now eat your chocolate cake and relax. I didn't ask you out to get you down and make you make decisions. Let's just spend some time together" he says and winks at me.