Choose Me- the second novel

Chapter 90- rest, eat and give yourself time

Trigger warning-miscarriage

I wake up the next morning feeling dazed and so, so tired. Matty comforts me rubbing my back and kissing me.
"We can stay home if you like" he says.

"No I have a psychology test tomorrow it's important" I mutter.

"Okay. Let me get you breakfast in bed" he announces and I smile.

"I love you" I tell him and he smiles and kisses me before heading to the kitchen.

I check my phone, I have a good night message from Jay. It's actually pretty sweet he said thanks for cooking him dinner and everything.

I smile and put my phone back on the side. Matty comes back with some toast and eggs and I sit up.
"Thank you" I tell him smiling.

As I move I feel something slightly sticky between my legs and I start to worry. The image of the spotting comes into my head and I start to panic.

"Oh Lord what is that" I say and Matty sets the tray down on the side.

I head to the bathroom to check it out. I've been bleeding a lot, more than spotting. I look at myself in disbelief and shock. Removing my pants I put on a clean pair and a pad. This isn't right, this isn't spotting.
My first thought is why? What have I done wrong?
Matty comes in and realises I'm sitting on the floor crying. He sits nexts to me and puts his arms around me.

"It's okay I'm here" he says
"I love you" he comforts me.

"This isn't just spotting" I mutter.

He faces me in the bathroom and his beautiful features come into view.
"Taylor it's okay, I love you and we can get through this together." He says his hands on the tops of my forearms.

"I did something? How did I fuck it up?" I say and start to cry.

He pulls me up from the bathroom floor and takes me to the bed. I sit on the edge feeling numb. He sits next to me arms around me.

"You did nothing wrong" he says
"Sometimes these things happen" he adds.

He gets out his phone and checks the clinic times. He then emails uni to say we won't be in today. I never want to leave the house ever again.

"I'm sorry Matty, I lost our baby." I start to cry.

"Taylor this is not your fault okay, now have some food and we can go to the clinic" he says.

I eat some toast as he dresses in front of me. I'm crying again, I can't seem to stop. He passes me some leggings and a long top.
"Thanks Matty" I say.
I get changed slowly and he hovers around me. I sit back down and drink some water wondering what I may have done to cause this to happen.
Can dancing cause it? Or is it something I ate? Maybe it was having sex? I will ask the nurse.

I leave with Matty and we drive to the clinic. He talks to me in the car, reassuring me the whole time. The whole thing passes as a blur.

We're sitting with the nurse and I realise she's talking to me.
"We heard the heartbeat last time" I say to her it's a different nurse this time and clearly I'm not answering her questions because she looks confused and empathetic.

"Yes my dear I appreciate this is very difficult but what are your symptoms" she asks gently.

"Bleeding" I say.
"Pain in my tummy." I add and Matty squeezes my hand.

The nurse checks everything and explains that we have experienced a miscarriage. Matty holds onto my hand and I just cry. She explains that this is something that can just unfortunately happen before 23 weeks gestation and that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it or to cause it.

She explains that it's important I take this pill thing, miso something, which will allow the tissue to pass naturally. It may be uncomfortable. And then I must come back within 3 days for a check up.
She also explains that I can't have sex for two weeks or use tampons.

"You can try again for another baby, if you wish in around a months time."
"But please make sure you rest and eat and give yourself some time to feel better" she explains.
"If the bleeding gets any heavier do not hesitate to come in, and I am greatly sorry for you loss" she says.

She hands me a leaflet about D&C procedures which I hand straight to Matty. We leave.

"Matty I think I need a cigarette" I say

He rolls up two.

I inhale the smoke as we sit in the car with the windows down.
"Babe this is not your fault, it's just something that can happen" he reassures

"I know but maybe there's something wrong with me. Or it was the dancing or something" I add.

He turns to face me, places his hands on either side of my face. Looking deep into my eyes.
"Taylor I can 100 percent tell you this is nothing you have done. Nothing. You are fine it's like the nurse said this happens unfortunately" he says and he kisses me.
"Now I'm going to take us home, cook us some food and we can spend the day eating junk food on the sofa by the fire." He adds.

"I love you so much, I don't know what I would do if you weren't so supportive and there for me all the time" I say to him.
We leave and head to the supermarket before going home. He picks up lots of snacks for us and some paracetamol to help with the pain. Once we do get home I feel better, he sits me down on the sofa with a hot chocolate and we put a film on.

He cooks us some pizza and lays it all out to eat on the coffee table in front of us. He climbs in the blanket next to me and hugs me. I take some paracetamol for the pain and eat lots of pizza.

I cry a little and he just hugs me, kissing me over and over again.

"Do you think it was a girl or boy" I ask him.

He clears his throat.
"I think we can decide that. As a way of letting go and managing it" he says upset.

"I think it was a boy. He would have had your hair and my eyes" I say.

"He would have been gorgeous" he says wiping my eyes.
"I love you" he says.

I hug him and he cries with me for a while.

"I would have loved him so so much" I say.

"Me too I will always love him" he says.

Eventually at around 6pm I decide to turn my phone back on. I didn't turn it on this morning when I woke up. I do have a whole bunch of messages from Ross and Jay. Asking if I'm okay.

I send a message to Ross that I'm okay and I'll see him tomorrow. I cannot bear to be in the house thinking all day, and I've decided going in will take my mind off of it.

I message Jay the same.

After dinner I take some more pills and lay back on the sofa with Matty. He cares for me unconditionally all day long, holding me and kissing me and keeping me near. Making sure I'm fed and happy.

I jump in the shower and wash down and then 10 minutes later he joins me. He just holds me, hugging me. I hold him back under the water and I kiss him on his lips.
I'm so grateful for him, he keeps me grounded.

"Thank you Matty for being you. For being with me all day long and showing me so much love and care" I say to him once we're in bed together.

"Babe I love you, I wouldn't dream of doing anything different you are my world" he says hugging me in bed.
I lay tightly into his chest, feeling safe with him.

"We can get through this together" he says looking down at me smiling.

Eventually I fall asleep in his arms.