Y/N - your name
C/N - crush's name
R/G - random girl
Song: "jealousy, jealousy" - Olivia Rodrigo
this song was stuck in my head in maths today so~
⚠️self-depreciation⚠️
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« I kinda wanna throw my phone across the room
'Caus all I see are girls too good to be true
With paper white teeth and perfect bodies
Wish I didn't care »
Sitting at the back of maths was normally an enjoyable experience for me, since I had the perfect angle to observe my crush from. Only today, having such a good view of where he was turned out to be a bad thing. R/G had been moved next to him, and they were talking, and laughing... much more than C/N and I ever did when we sat next to each other in chemistry. I know I have no proof it was anything romantic, but it still hurts because she's so pretty and perfect.
« I know their beauty is not my lack
But it feels like that weight is on my back
And I can't let it go »
I know I'm not ugly; I know that I'm decent to look at. But my appearance doesn't change the fact that R/G is the one getting to talk and laugh with him. I know I'm relatively pretty, but that doesn't change the fact I feel a pang in my heart when I see how gorgeous R/G is.
« Co-comparison is killing me slowly
I think I think too much
'Bout kids who don't know me »
R/G hardly knows me, but in the few times we have spoken I've learned what a nice person she is. It doesn't stop the jealousy and hatred from bubbling inside of me as I gaze at her getting C/N's attention so easily. I don't blame him for being enraptured by her presence: she is a beauty to behold - and she has a heart of pure gold. I'm probably the first person to feel anything negative towards her.
« I'm so sick of myself
I'd rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else »
My friends' conversations were merely background noise as I stared at the encounter, unable to hear what was being said. I wish I was a better friend, too, because I always seem to prioritise my own feelings over theirs. Even now, they have seen I've closed off and let me be, as they know that's how I like it when I'm sad.
Sadness, anger, jealousy.
« But jealousy, jealousy
Started following me
Started following me »
Maybe if I had more confidence and were able to act on my feelings earlier on, I wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe I wouldn't feel envious over what could simply be platonic conversation if I could just see myself as worth it and not place value on how much attention my crush paid to me. How am I even supposed to do that?
« And I see everyone getting all the things I want
I'm happy for them, but then again, I'm not
Just cool vintage clothes and vacation photos
I can't stand it, oh God, I sound crazy »
I've seen R/G's instagram, we're mutuals after all. It's essentially the aesthetic dream: hot chocolates, classic books, feeling cosy by the fireplace, rich-people holidays, perfect fashion sense, etc. You name it, she has probably experienced it. I don't hate her for being wealthy, and I don't blame her for being lucked out. She just won every single lottery you could think of - even the one with C/N.
Shit, I know it's only speculation and I don't know her and C/N's involvement, but it feels like she's won him and I've lost him. Although I never had him in the first place.
« Their win is not my loss
I know it's true
But I can't help getting caught up in it all »
As I turn my eyes back to the worksheet in front of me, everything in me fights the tears threatening to pour out. God, I really hope it's just hormones and I'm not actually this pathetic piece of shit that cries over every inconvenience. With a shaking hand, I begin writing out my workings for the first question. My inner voice is practically begging to stay focused on the question and nothing but the question.
« Co-comparison is killing me slowly
I think I think too much
'Bout kids who don't know me
I'm so sick of myself
I'd rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else »
I should just move on. It's not like I ever intended on confessing so how could anything ever have happened between us anyway? I guess I just let myself believe there was a chance he liked me enough to confess first.
And now I know that I was caught up in a wishful dream.
« But jealousy, jealousy »
R/G. Perfect fucking R/G. She really does get everything, doesn't she? She may be a sweet soul with a pretty face, but I can't help but seethe and hate her as I hear her laughter again in the background.
« All your friends are so cool »
She's popular...
« You go out every night »
She's invited to every party...
« In your daddy's nice car »
She's rich...
« Yeah, you're living the life »
She always seems so happy...
« Got a pretty face »
She radiates beauty...
« Pretty boyfriend, too »
She has C/N.
« I wanna be you so bad
And I don't even know you »
I hardly know her, yet in this moment all I want is to live her life.
I want to be happy like her, pretty like her, spend time with C/N like her.
« All I see is what I should be
Happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy »
Yet I'm just stuck with jealousy.
« All I see is what I should be
I'm losing it
All I get's jealousy, jealousy »
I release the pen I had been tightly clutching from my grip and stare at the worksheet once more. Raising my hand, I ask to be excused to the bathroom, and quickly make the journey there. When I brush past C/N and R/G, the tears threaten me even more, but I only give in when I'm locked in a stall.
« Co-comparison is killing me slowly
I think I think too much
'Bout kids who don't know me
And I'm so sick of myself
I'd rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else »
R/G is perfect, and I'm just me.
« Jealousy, jealousy »
I'm of no significance to anyone.
« Oh, I'm so sick of myself »
No matter how hard I try, I always end up last place.
« I'd rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else »
R/G doesn't deserve me feeling like this towards her, and I don't want to hate her at all; but I can't bring myself to hate C/N in the slightest, so I'm channeling my feelings at her. She doesn't deserve this, though.
« Jealousy, jealousy »
But, try as I might, I can't stop her from making me so angry.
I am aware it's just projection, but I hate her.
« Started following me »
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surprised i've avoided doing an olivia rodrigo song for so long
[1199 words]
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Crush Oneshots | Crush x Reader
Fanfiction- no smut - crush x reader - my writing improves throughout :) - NO LONGER UPDATED -------- ☘︎ european date format ☘︎︎ started: 15/02/2020 finished: 15/05/2022 milestones: -10k reads on 03/06/2020 -1k votes on 28/07/2020 -2k votes on 30/10/2...
