Crush Oneshots | Crush x Reader

[𝟭𝟲] ⚠️ I'ᴍ Nᴏᴛ Oᴋᴀʏ

Y/N - your name
C/N - crush's name

Song: "I'm Coming Clean" - Ezra Furman

⚠️sorry this is kinda angsty⚠️

mentions of self-harm
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Staring up to the ceiling with blank and lifeless eyes, salty tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Her mind was fogged with self-degrading thoughts and insults; nothing any good person should ever say to themselves. Grey cotton sleeves of her hoodie pulled up loosely, revealing the thin and bloody cuts trickling small drops of crimson liquid down her arm. In one hand was held a plastic blue razor, which had never actually been used for its original purpose.

She felt useless. She felt unwanted. But she also felt like she shouldn't be feeling this way, because there was really nothing wrong in her life.

Her parents were supportive and loving. She wasn't bullied. She had plenty of friends. She did well in school. She wasn't insecure about her appearance or weight. So, why did she feel so utterly empty?

Half of her mind constantly told her that so many people had it worse, while the other half insulted everything she did or said. Rarely was a positive thought mentioned in her skull, and even when someone else complimented her a little voice chirped in saying they were lying. Talking to her parents, or anyone about this, seemed futile. How could she explain why she felt this way when she didn't even know herself?

"Y/N!" her mother called, "We have guests over for dinner! Come downstairs."

"Okay, mum!" she yelled back as normally as she could, dabbing her eyes gently with tissue and pulling down her sleeves. Before leaving the room, she glanced in the mirror and was relieved to see that she hadn't been crying long enough for her eyes to go all pink and swollen.

Once downstairs, she rounded the corner into the dining room and saw to her sheer horror the very boy that held her heart: C/N. They weren't incredibly close, but they had spoken and he was aware of her existence. He was famous for being quite a cold boy in the school, but he wasn't necessarily mean. Now he was around his parents, he obviously acted much nicer, although the smile he gave her was obviously fake.

"This is one of my co-workers," Y/N's father said from the head of the table, "And his wife and his son, I believe C/N here is in your year."

"Yes..." Y/N mumbled, taking a seat at the table. C/N ended up opposite sat opposite to her; without her noticing, he observed Y/N throughout the course of the meal.

There just wasn't something right about the way whenever her sleeve was about to slip down, one of her hands immediately rushed to pull it up. Or the way she winced when leaning her wrists on the table. Neither of their parents had noticed, but he saw the slight pink undertone in her eyes. But what was more than that, C/N couldn't help but noticed how empty she looked and how she couldn't even fake a smile at any of them.

When dinner was completed, Y/N went right up to her room to continue where she left off. It wasn't really a choice she willingly made, but one her own inner demons had forced her to do.

"C/N," Y/N's mother smiled, "We don't want to bore you with adult talk. Go up to Y/N, first door on the left."

He nodded solemnly, creeping up the stairs as if he was a burglar. If he was going to confirm that Y/N was doing what he thought she was doing, she couldn't have any warning he was coming.

Reaching her door and placing his hand gently on the door handle, he pushed down and opened the door silently. Y/N was sat cross-legged on her bed: razor out and sleeve up. The second she saw him enter she pulled down her sleeve and muttered a sad but harsh, "Don't you know how to knock?"

He dismissed the question, sitting down by her and carefully pulling up her sleeve again. Y/N didn't object to his movements, but looked away as tears began slipping out her eyes and rolling down her cheeks.

So as to avoid hurting her more than she'd hurt herself, one of his hands held her arm up by her hand. The other traced the areas she hadn't self-harmed recently.

"Y/N..." he mumbled, "Why...?"

That question really made her snap, and sobs escaped her mouth as she properly began crying. C/N reacted by wrapping his arms around her and directing her head into his chest.

"I... don't... know..." she choked out between sobs, "Why do I... feel this... way?"

"I don't know... but I know it's hard..." C/N said quietly, "Let me try and help you."

Looking up to meet his eyes with a tear stained face, the expression on her face read why?

"You don't think I care about you, Y/N?" he held her face in his hands, "Can I please at least try to give you a reason to love yourself?"

Sniffing, she replied, "You can try..."

"Good," C/N leant down and pecked her lips, her cheeks heating up, "Because I am not letting you out of my sight."

——————

welp
[901 words]